Cultural Resurrection: An Operator's Manual
I. Termination Protocol
- Transplant Documentation System
a. Disable Lunar Rhythms using Greenwich Mean Timestamps
b. Replace Celestial guides with GPS static
- Administer Linguistic Cyanide
a. Inject 10cc of Anglicised proverb into the carotid artery
b. Let Diné Bizaad syllable swell into asphyxiation
- Incinerate Memory Fibers
a. Load ritual garments into the bone kiln
b. Program cremation at 451°F
II. Cessation Verification
- Confirm flatline on the Ethnocardiogram™
a. Zero amplitude in harvest dance waveforms
b. Straight-line artifact across oral history
- Check for Cultural Brain Death
a. No pupillary reflex to ancestral poems
b. Absent gag reflex when force-fed appropriated heritages tchotchke
III. Resuscitation Matrix -- Phonetic Defibrillation
- Charge paddles with Latin-transformed Vowels and Diacritics
a. Place one paddle on the eroded stele
b. Ground the other in New York Pho restaurants
- Shock rhythm at F=1/∆t, where ∆t = years between the funeral of great grandma and first cry of the newborn
IV. Post-Resurrection Care
- Neuroplasticity Training -- Daily Exercises
a. Recite Bible verses while facing burnt archives
b. Practice "Ethnic Studies" poses in front of repatriated remains
- Immunosuppression Therapy -- Intravenous Drip
a. 50% Guilt + 50% Amnesia
b. Titrate until host accepts museum-grade authenticity
c. Target serum level: Enough to taste the iron in lullabies, not enough to name the wound
V. Warranty Disclaimer
- Resurrected cultures may exhibit:
a. Phantom limb sensitivity
b. Bipolar oscillation between inflated pride and deep self-erasure
c. Metastatic nostalgia of diaspora
Do not attempt reanimation unless: You can distinguish between resurrection and revenge